


Awakenings, Conversations and Brownies

by WhisperingDarkness



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-04
Updated: 2010-05-04
Packaged: 2017-11-20 02:38:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/580360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhisperingDarkness/pseuds/WhisperingDarkness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>New Moon. Bella wakes up and Jacob tells her something she might not want to hear. Or does she? One-shot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Awakenings, Conversations and Brownies

I woke up slowly. 

The first thing I was aware of was that I felt better waking up than I had in a long time. The warmth surrounding me seemed to infuse me with a sense of safety and relief and I was reluctant to wake up further and face the day.

Keeping my eyes closed I tried to remember where I was and how it was that I could feel anything more than the hole in my chest that _he_ had left when _he left_.

My awakening brain registered a warm body at my back and I froze for the long moment it took me to identify it as Jake. And I finally remembered that I had once again sought out my werewolf friend, lingering with him at his garage even after dinner until it was so late that Billy and he insisted on letting me stay the night. 

I also remembered waking up from another nightmare about a cold emptiness that swallowed me whole. Just hours after I fell asleep, I had woken up with a loud sobbing gasp that must have woken up Jacob as well, because before I had even realised it he had been at my side, dark eyes concerned, hands clenched tightly but his voice filled with a gentle warmth. 

I could tell that he had been angry but he never said a word about him – something that had made me ridiculously relieved. Because as hard as it was to even think about _Edward_ at any time, it was always ten times worse after one of those dreams. I shivered at the memory and automatically burrowed closer into the welcome warmth.

"Go back to sleep Bells." I heard Jake murmur and I was so warm and comfortable that I almost did. Common sense won out, though. "What time is it?"

"Hmm… ten thirty or so."

"Ten thirty?" I would have shot up and out of the bed if Jacob's strong arms around me hadn't prevented it. I never woke up this late.

"It's Saturday, Bells. Who cares what time it is?"

"But…" I sputtered, and an idea hit me suddenly "but Billy!"

Jake continued to sound wholly unconcerned; "Dad left to go to the Clearwaters' about an hour ago."

"He left." I repeated dumbly. "You weren't on the couch."

"Bells, stop worrying so much. Dad knows it wasn't like that, I told him it was just because you were cold. It's ok."

"You told him." I was still incapable of managing more than repeating parts of the sentences of my far too indifferent best friend. "Billy saw you here."

He pulled back a bit now so that he could look at my face. "Bella" he said in the warm, gentle voice I had often heard from him. "It's ok, honey. I promise. Don't worry about it, ok?"

I sighed. Somehow Jake could always make my worries vanish as if they had never been there in the first place. Yeah, Billy wouldn't tell anyone. He was just like Jake, wholly unconcerned. Then something else occurred to me; "Billy came here an hour ago. Did you fall back asleep or something? You should have just woken me up."

"I didn't fall asleep."

I was suddenly angry; "You've been awake for an hour? Doing what? Watching me sleep?" that sure sounded like something he would do. God, as if it wasn't bad enough that I fell asleep letting him hold me. Now this? I knew he wanted us to be together like that but we weren't. I was with _Edward_. Even without him. The name summoned a small twinge in my stomach but nothing more. It should have surprised me how little it hurt to think of _him_ and his absence, but it didn't. Somehow it seemed to make perfect sense to me that nothing could hurt me as long as I was in Jacob's warm, protective embrace.

"I was thinking" Jake answered, and I remembered the question I had previously asked. "I was just comfortable, that's all. Haven't you ever done that, Bells? Just lain down somewhere, maybe in the sun or something, and let your mind drift…" he said softly, unconsciously stroking my hair, and any anger I felt towards him, or perhaps it had been towards myself, disappeared entirely. "Taking a moment to just be, to just relax and enjoy the moment."

I imagined that Jake probably hadn't had many moments like that lately, now that he had suddenly found himself capable of changing into a large wolf and had to learn how to control this newfound ability as well as perform his new duties as a protector of the tribe.

"Can we…" he sounded almost pleading. "can we do that for a little while longer, Bells?"

I didn't answer him, I didn't have to. I just sighed and let myself relax into the comfort of his arms.

His hold on me relaxed as I did; I hadn't even realised how tightly he had been holding me. I felt a surge of guilt as I realised that he had probably expected the same sort of rejection I had always given him. I always pulled back when he came a little to close. But I could tell how much he needed me here and after all this time of leaning on him it seemed wrong not to let him lean on me for a moment. Besides, it felt nice and comfortable, lying here together. His arms were warm and soothing around me and made me feel completely safe. So for just this once I shook off my worries about giving Jake the wrong idea or ruining our friendship and just let go.

I felt almost as if I were on the brink of sleep, despite the fact that I wasn't really tired. The feeling of Jake enveloped me; his warmth, his gentle nature, his loving soul. He felt like safety, and he smelt like home.

"What are you thinking about, Bells?" his voice was slightly husky but at the same time very soft and in my peaceful state it didn't occur to me to give him any other answer then the truth.

"You smell like home." I let the words flow out of me like a breath of air and did not even realise that I had said them until I felt Jake's body become tense. Reality hit me then and my eyes flew open. "I mean…" I stammered "You smell like La Push. Like the woods and the grass after it rains." the words came out far more poetic then I had wanted them to, and I gave up on my attempt to salvage the situation. Instead I changed tactics and went with the safer option of silence; at least that way I couldn't say anything _even more_ stupid.

Jacob was silent as well but I could feel his body relax and when he spoke again I could hear the smile in his voice. "You think of La Push as your home?"

Oh. Did I say that? I wasn't sure what to reply to that. I could already hear the question he would ask if I said no. 'But then why would you say that I smell like home?' Why indeed? That was not a question I wanted to answer. But if I said yes… That would open a whole other can of worms. Usually in situations like this, where I didn't like either of the options I just went with the truth. But here and now I couldn't say what the truthful answer was if my life depended on it.

So all I gave him was a lame; "Well, I've been spending a lot of time here lately..."

This whole topic had become very uncomfortable, so I decided to turn the tables before it became down right disastrous. "What were you thinking about?"

He was silent for a while and then sighed; "You don't want me to answer that, Bella."

I was annoyed now, what, I was the only one who had to go through an embarrassing interrogation like that? Not a chance; "If I didn't want to know, I wouldn't have asked, Jake." The words were out before I even had time to think about them. Now that I did, though, I realised that he was probably right. We were lying in his bed, after all, and despite his usually mature and considerate behaviour towards me, he was still a teenage boy who I knew liked me. I really, really hoped he hadn't been thinking something dirty.

I heard him sigh again and he tightened his hold on me, almost as if he was afraid that his answer would scare me off. Oh, god. It _was_ something dirty, wasn't it?

"I was daydreaming." he started and I fervently hoped he would just leave it at that, already cursing myself for insisting on an answer. He was _so_ right. I didn't want to know _at all_.

"I pictured life a couple of years from now." He continued, and I was caught of guard. That wasn't what I'd been expecting.

"A life in which I had moved out of Billy's place and into a house of my own not too far from here. There's an empty house about ten minutes from here that's also pretty close to Sam's place. It's a bit run-down now but with the pack's help it would be easy enough to fix it up and make it liveable again."

I sighed in relief, this wasn't so bad. I relaxed again in Jake's arms, letting his words wash over me as he painted me the picture of his house.

"Sam and Jared both know a little about carpentry and Jared's uncle is good at construction. He has actually helped in building many of the houses here on the res. With their help it could be restored to its former glory in no time. Maybe we could add a little porch with a wooden bench to sit on when the weather is nice."

Jake's voice was soft and he sounded far away, lost in the daydream of what his future would look like.

"You know how Embry and I have been making some money here and there by fixing up cars and motorcycles?"

The question sounded almost rhetorical and since I didn't want to interrupt him, I just nodded, knowing he would feel it.

"Well, I imagined that he and I, and Quil too, started up a little mechanic business. Nothing big, at least not at first, but it's something that we're good at and it would be great hanging out with the three of us again. Doing what we do best. I could already picture the shop. Not exactly what it looks like or anything. But I could see us working together as mechanics, joking around but getting the job done. It wouldn't be something we could get rich off or anything, but we'd be our own bosses. If anything ever came up we could leave without any awkward questions and we'd be doing what we love. Together."

I smiled, it sounded very fitting. Very Jake. He doesn't need things like a lot of money or an 'important' job to be happy, something like this, something more real, that would do perfectly for him. Something simple but beautiful.

"I could see us working there, and then, one day as we were tinkering on the cars, you entered our mechanic shop around lunch time; your brown eyes bright with laughter, flecks of chocolate on your clothes and on cheeks. You had no classes that day at your college in Port Angeles and you'd been baking."

I almost didn't dare breathe. College in Port Angeles? I had a future, in Jake's future.

Jake went on without delay; "The guys greeted you enthusiastically, already smelling the brownies and you opened the container in your hands giving it to Embry. You smiled as you noticed the guys slight disappointment that there weren't that many; enough for everyone to have one or two, sure, but you know us werewolves. You laughed at their expressions and took two more of such containers from your backpack. "I already divided them" you explained, passing one to Quil and the other to me with a wink. "I didn't want to risk the violent battle that might have otherwise taken place."

"You rolled your eyes as you watched us devour our shares in record time and put the containers back in the bag, taking out your lunchbox. We thanked you and went back to working on the cars and you sat down near me, watching me work, listening to my chatter and slowly eating your own brownie."

"You stayed there with us for the rest of the day, perfectly content to spend your day off with me like that. We closed up the shop at about five o'clock and went home."

He fell silent and I thought that he was done talking, but he continued a moment later, his voice so soft it was almost silent.

"We went back to our home." Despite the fact that he was only whispering now, I could hear that the words were infused with emotion, though which emotions they were I could only guess at. "We cooked dinner together in our kitchen, never once getting in the way of each other but moving together in the small area in a natural way. You bumped over a packet with your elbow but I caught it easily, as if I had already anticipated that you would do so. You stopped me just before I added the vegetables a little bit too early as if you knew that I would automatically try to add them as soon as I finished cutting them."

I could see the scene play out in my mind and what bothered me most about it was that it didn't sound unrealistic in any way. It sounded perfectly natural.

"We sat down at the table, eating together, joking, talking, laughing. And then, doing the dishes, bantering and splashing each other with water."

Another moment of silence and I almost wanted to beg him to stop. I couldn't listen to this any longer. But mercilessly, he went on.

"Your beautiful smile would be the last thing I saw before I went to sleep. Your soft body in my arms the last thing I'd feel. The sound of your gentle breathing the last thing I'd hear."

Something happened in that moment that I couldn't put any words to. Something shifted.

One moment I wanted nothing more than for him to stop talking, to stop this picture from invading my mind, to stop showing me something so beautiful and gentle that I could not help feeling a longing for it in my soul. And I had felt like crying, because I knew that the future he painted could never be mine.

The next moment I could suddenly breathe again. A feeling came over me that is not easily described. Something vague inside my soul, but undeniable. It was like something had opened up in my chest. Not a hole that tore me apart, but a release of sorts. In that moment I felt like I had been set free. As if something that had been holding me down had suddenly let go and I was free.

Jake's arms around me tightened; "I would fall asleep to you every night. And every morning I would wake up to this." he finished in a shaky voice before a silence fell over the both of us.

I couldn't speak.

I couldn't think.

Suddenly, without meaning to, without trying to, something momentous had just changed.

And all I could do was _feel_.

I felt the numbness of the past few months fading away. It had already been retreating slowly, sporadically. But now I felt as though it was cleansed out of me completely. I was baffled at how Jake could do something like that. Sure, he was good at fixing things and good at holding me together but this? Did he really just heal me with just his words alone? Just by showing me a possible future? Just by showing me that it was still possible for me to even _have_ a future anymore?

And then I suddenly realised that it hadn't been Jake who had 'healed' me.

It had been me.

I had let go. Of the past, of the pain, of the despair. Sure, it was still there, in a way. Still lingering somewhere in the back of my mind.

In the past.

It wasn't overshadowing my future anymore.

My future.

A future.

A life that I could lead.

And I _could_. I could have a future. It may not be the one that Jake just laid out for me, but it _could_ be. It could be anything. Anything I wanted. I could have a _future_.

The end of my relationship with Edward didn't have to be the end of me.

I already knew that, of course. In my mind. But in my heart I hadn't truly believed it.

But now, suddenly I did. I could feel it: that I was still alive, so I could still have a life. I could still have a future.

This realisation baffled me beyond belief. It soared through my body, filling me up with a strange emotion. Hope maybe? Aliveness? It was impossible to put to words, but it was there.

And I was glad it was.

"Bella?" Jake questioned after the silence had stretched out for a long time. I knew he wanted me to say something, but I had no idea what to say after something like this.

He sighed deeply and loosened his hold on me, though he did not release me completely. "I told you; you didn't want to know." he said, sounding resigned.

For a moment I had no idea what he was talking about and the silence stretched on while I made my way back to the here and now. Ah yes, Jacob had warned me before he showed me his vision of the future that I probably didn't want to hear it.

But didn't I?

I already knew that Jake loved me and although I didn't think I felt the same sort of love for him, the daydream he shared with me hadn't sounded so bad.

It actually sounded a lot like life as it was now; just us spending time together. It shouldn't surprise me how much I liked the picture he painted me. How much it sounded like a natural continuation of our lives. I liked spending time with Jake, after all. Hanging out in his garage together, walking on the beach, riding our motorcycles or salvaging car-stuff from the dump.

I don't know where things with Jacob will lead. If they will ever progress to what he wants us to be. For now, it doesn't really matter. I was happy just having Jacob as a part of my life, _my future_. I felt the same feeling of hope, happiness, relief, aliveness, inside me at the thought. _I have a future._

"Bella?" he asked again, sounding apprehensive. "What are you thinking about?"

I smiled as he once more asked the question that started all this, even though he sounded afraid now, instead of curious.

"I was thinking…" I answered, my voice soft and filled with the same warmth that surged through my soul at the moment. "that maybe, a little later today, we could go and bake some brownies."

"Brownies?" Jake choked out, his voice suffused with a plethora of emotions.

I nodded into his chest contently "Yes." I sighed. "They sounded really good."

It all did. I vaguely wondered if things would really be that easy with me and Jake. Would it really be that normal, that natural? The same simple happiness that I could detect in the image of Jake and his two best friends in a mechanics shop, would it be like that? I hadn't liked thinking about the future since Edward left but as long as Jake remained a part of my life, it didn't sound so bad.

Jacob pulled away from me completely so that he could look at my face. I don't know what he searched for in my eyes but I could tell the moment he had found it; he bestowed on me then the most beautiful of his smiles and when he spoke his voice was so warm and filled with love that it made my soul soar. "Brownies it is, Bells."

I grinned at him, feeling almost giddy. In return, his gentle smile transformed into the bright grin I was most accustomed too. He stood up, taking my hand in his and pulling me into an upright position with ease. He gave me a moment to steady myself on my feet before he drew me out of the room along with him.

"Jake" I asked him with a smile in my voice "where are we going?"

"To the kitchen, of course. We're making brownies." he answered as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

"I don't think you have all the ingredients to make brownies." I informed him, but made no move to remove my hand from his.

He stopped, looked at me in mock-thoughtfulness for a moment and changed direction to the front door. "Well then, to the store it is."

"Right." I answered. "But shouldn't we, I don't know, maybe get dressed first?" I moved one of my hands through my un-brushed hair and looked down on the oversized t-shirt that, along with a pair of shorts, was all that I was wearing. My gaze shifted to Jacob's bare chest and his pair of sweatpants.

He paused at the door for a moment before he shook his head with a bright mischievous grin "Nah." he answered and dragged me outside, both barefooted and well… pretty bare.

I shook my head at him. Any other time I would have been angry or embarrassed or both. Now though I couldn't help the carefree laughter from escaping my lips as I let the warm hand that held my own lead the way.

Because, at the moment, it didn't sound so bad at all.  



End file.
